7 Biblical Ways to Support Men Struggling With Depression
Tomorrow, October 10th, is World Mental Health Day. A Gallup poll recently published found that levels of lifetime and current depression reached an all-time high for Americans in 2023.
Stress at work, pressure at school, turmoil at home, grief and loneliness are all contributing factors. Studies and reports show that men, in particular, even men of faith, struggle with depression more than ever. They feel alone, but don’t reach out. They feel inadequate, but don’t know how to find the strength they need. They feel defeated, but don’t know how to activate spiritual tools at their disposal to be victorious.
One main reason a man can struggle with depression is a lack of connection to and strength from real, authentic male mentorship and community. Several years ago, a friend of mine faced a very difficult time when her husband went through a long period of depression that led to multiple problems. Ultimately, she was able to make it through that time and find the support she needed.
If you’re a wife who sees your husband or your sons struggling with depression that manifests as a lack of vision, direction, and leadership, there are some things you can do to try and encourage them and help yourself cope too.
First, put things in perspective and determine the cause.
Depression can be caused by several factors: Genetics, family of origin issues, self-esteem issues, stress, a physical condition, etc. First, it’s important to address any potential physical issues that could be contributing to someone struggling with depression, like biochemistry, nutrition, sleep apnea, etc. After those types of things have been ruled out, look for other causes. Depending on what is at the root of the depression, there could be different ways to approach it. It can look different for each person. There could be a need for counseling with a licensed professional, a spiritual leader or another couple who can come alongside you, or just male mentoring and friendship.
Be aware of how depression can impact his behavior.
If your husband is inwardly struggling with depression, it will affect his ability to lead, follow through with things, and make good decisions. This can lead to a lot of fallout and stressful family circumstances that can easily spin out of control, which can lead to a woman feeling insecure and stressed out herself, which can lead to more problems and in turn, cause a man to withdraw even more. Ugh! It’s a nasty cycle, and it’s best to go to someone early if it’s interfering with important issues. It’s also helpful to remember that if your husband can’t or won’t lead and there are big decisions to be made, offer to go to someone together to talk it through, and if need be, ask a trusted friend, spiritual leader or couple to help.
Don’t try and fix them-pray for them!
This is the hardest one for women because we are nurturers, and we want to make things better. When we discover a problem with someone we love, we immediately want to fix it. We start developing a plan for how to address the problem and offer all the “right” answers. The only problem is that person has to want those answers themselves and by nature, men don’t like to acknowledge there is a problem or ask for help. Oftentimes no matter how much you try to encourage someone who is internally depressed, nothing seems to make a difference. It can be exasperating to feel like nothing you say or do to build them up matters, but again, it’s important to recognize it is an internal problem.
A man who is depressed often battles negativity in their thoughts about where or how they have failed in life and usually feel like there’s no way it will ever be better, even if you tell them otherwise. They can’t seem to believe anything positive. That’s when your prayers can make a difference-either by seeing God move in that person’s life or by giving you insight about how to handle it if they don’t take initiative to get help.
A place to start is to pray for your husband to have godly friends. “Lord, I pray that You would provide encouraging friendships for my husband and that he would know he is never alone because You are with him. I ask for others to speak into his life and sharpen him as he sharpens them.”
“Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
Provide opportunities for connection with those friends and mentors
Intimacy is difficult for someone who is even mildly depressed, especially a man. It’s hard for them to connect in relationships and community where they can discover things that will help lift and strengthen them. But the reality is: Men need other men, just like women need other women. If your husband expresses interest in getting together with other men of strong character, whole-heartedly support it!
If he doesn’t take the initiative, you can still encourage him by letting him know you support it (whether that’s taking care of the kids or helping in some other way) Sometimes, just inviting a couple over for dinner can be more comfortable and potentially lead to a deeper friendship.
Don’t take it personal
When a man is depressed, they likely won’t be expressing their feelings about it. Instead, they will behave differently. They withdraw, can be moody and give “the silent treatment”, be unaffectionate, angry, irritable and lacking in energy. Remember, it’s not about you. They are struggling with internal negative thinking that is going almost all the time. Not taking this personal can be very difficult, especially in a marriage because a wife needs the very things a man doesn’t feel like giving if he is depressed. It’s important to spend A LOT of quality time with God and friends, so your love tank is full, and you don’t take things personally.
Pay attention to quality time and keep date nights
It’s vital to regularly get some time away from kids, work, stress of everyday life, etc. Even if it’s just for a movie and a bite to eat or a walk in the park or. It’s amazing how some simple things can recalibrate someone’s outlook and provide a positive framework to build on.
Take care of yourself and your needs too!
Dealing with a spouse that is depressed is not simple or easy. It takes a lot of consistency, prayer, stretching and even pruning of character to be supportive when someone you love is struggling with depression, especially because you might feel hurt that they have little to offer you. None of these tips are a cure-all, but they can make the load lighter. Take time to strengthen your friendships and supportive relationships. If you don’t have those right now, seek them out by joining a group in your community.
Sometimes, you could do all of these things, and it still may not seem to make a lasting difference. Again, the root issue may have started long before your relationship did and until he decides to address it, things may not change.
In the end, you may not be able to control how or when your husband is able to have a stronger, more positive approach to life, and you may need to just focus on strengthening yourself, the relationships around you and staying close to God.
I know it can be difficult and draining, but God promises to walk through difficult times with us and he promises to provide when we call to him for help!
Psalm 120:1 “In my distress, I cried to the Lord and he answered me.”
There are free resources available where you can access short-term help.
Focus on The Family has counselors available who can provide assistance and connect you to more long-term resources in your area. You can contact them at 1-800-A-Family
